So it's been a long time

These last few months have been more unimaginable than I could have ever thought possible. For some reason, I thought that after we lost Brady that I would grieve for a while but that it would continuously get easier. How wrong was I!

Here's a brief update. In October I started seeing a new neurologist for my Fibromyalgia (chronic pain condition I've been diagnosed with for nearly 7 years). He put me back on antidepressants because stress and depression can worsen Fibromyalgia, and god knows with losing Brady I was suffering enough from those. Things seemed to be going a little better.

Then in November, my aunt with whom I was incredibly close, passed away. More stress, more depression, so in the beginning of December my neurologist doubled my dose of antidepressants. A combination of too high a dosage and all the stuff that had happened really made me go off the deep end. I would sit in the bathroom with a razor blade to my wrist just telling myself to do it. Or I'd eye all the pill bottles in the medicine cabinet and think to myself how easy it would be to just take them, go to sleep, and never wake up. I was cutting myself again, which I hadn't done in over 5 years. I was drinking all the time. I was abusing painkillers. When I had my follow-up with my neurologist I asked him to back off the antidepressants. I've noticed some changes in my mood, but I still struggle with depression and addiction every day. It's nearly cost me my marriage, my friends, my life.

Needless to say, getting pregnant has been put on the back burner. I'd love another baby, but I need to get me right before I can bring another child into this world. I'm so glad Jonathan has stuck by me through all of this, because I don't know how I could have done this on my own.